A Revision

Haiku by Tom D'Evelyn, with revision
Comment by Madeleine Findlay


They almost touch --
the wingtips of the cormorant
the dark wintry river

Seems the cormorant
flying up river is the river
this fall day

This haiku carries the full weight of the previous haiku that relied on “almost” as it now skims the surface of the water in a fleeting, “moving out of the picture frame” motion. “Seems” inherits the sound of “seam” and this unconsciously captures the distance of the wings to the water by separating the mass of the bird and the liquidity of the water. “”Fall day”, a simple kigo, goes on to lend itself out to “up” in the previous line giving a sense of the balancing act required to underscore this powerful image.